Travel

Traveling As An International Super Spy

On one of my last flights to the City of Angels, I let myself become an international super spy for a while. My primary aim was how to best avoid being shot by my mortal enemy, Dr. Nemesis, a thoroughly amoral character with a gift for disguise and a hatred of order. Dedicated to serving the Forces of Chaos, he has carved an Empire of Disorder, served by his weak-willed and simple-minded agents. It is rumored that he has control over several well-known global corporations, which allows him to spread is Doctrine of Dismay to the whole world.

In a previous article, I described how I had taken a window seat to maximise my safety and carried a bag to add extra protection against bullets. But since then, it has struck me that there are other possible super spy tricks one could use to make traveling more of an adventure.

Take the rush for seats that occurs when the airline announces boarding. Usually, there are some fairly explicit instructions given.

“Ladies and Gentlemen, flight 103 to Los Angeles is ready for boarding. To make this process as quick as possible, we will start by boarding rows 30 and back, rows 20 and back only. Thank you.”

At this point, the line suddenly becomes full of people, and if this is rows 30 and back, then the airplane must have at least 60 rows after 30! Either that or some folks have extreme difficulty understanding the concept of numbers above 30. It's always surprising how indignant some folks can get when they are told “No, sir, we said 30 and back, and you have seat 4A, you moron!” OK, so the “moron” bit is a slight exaggeration - but you know that's what the flight attendant is thinking.

Now, from the super spy perspective, a line of any significant length represents a shooting gallery. All Dr. Nemesis needs to do is wait for a clear shot and out goes the lights. So standing in line waiting is not good. This suggests that rather than try to get on early, a super spy should wait until the last moment, thus reducing the amount of time he, or she, could be a target.

On landing, the super spy should aim to deplane as part of a crowd. Human nature can help here as it is a well-known fact that as soon as the seat belt light goes off, the aisles fill with people making a rush for the doors. This means that people pour out of the place and into the gate like a human river. By becoming a part of this stream of flesh, the super spy can use his fellow humans as bullet shields.

But there is another trick that could be used to further confuse Dr. Nemesis. The key to being a super spy is learning to be unpredictable. When people can guess what you are likely to do in a given situation, you could be in trouble. Think about it. If you were to quit your current job and become a professional Assassin, how difficult would it be for you to hit one of your colleagues? Not difficult at all, because you know his or her habits.

For example, consider your own routines. Do you leave for work each day at about the same time? Do you use the same mode of transport? Do you take the same route? If you answered “yes” to all of these, the you could be the target for a hit-man. Try varying your time and route, which will throw off any potential surveillance people.

We can extend this to our behavior at an airport after deplaning. What do the passengers do? Why, they head straight for baggage claim. And hey, to make things easier for Dr. Nemesis, the airport authorities put signs up to tell him where the baggage claim is. This means he can either have you followed, or he can wait at baggage claim for you.

So, the first thing you can do is go to somewhere else other than the baggage claim. Head for the restroom and spend half-an-hour reading magazine; go to a bar and order a drink and snack; or hit a coffee bar and pump up on caffeine, especially if you took a nap on the place. Actually, this is another important behavior to learn if you want to be a super spy - eat, drink and excrete whenever you can because if things start getting tough, you can't guarantee you'll be able to do any of them at your convenience.

For example, if Dr. Nemesis is taking off in his helicopter and you manage to grab hold of the undercarriage, sure you can strap yourself on with your trouser belt, until you reach his secret hideaway. But what if, after 10 minutes into the flight, you suddenly have the urge to pee. Maybe you should have used the bathroom when you had chance, but no - you wanted to be Mr. Macho. Now you're faced with having to either endure lots of pain or pee in your trouser. Some super spy, huh?

Sorry for the digression there - back to the baggage claim. The average time to unload bags and have them on a carousel is about 10 minutes. There's then about 10-15 minutes of revolving bags, with folks scrambling to find the right ones. So, you can reckon on delaying you arrival at baggage claim until 20 minutes after deplaning, and when you get there, your bag will be moving along the belt slowly. You then move in, grab the bag, and head straight for an exit, all within a minute. Remember, standing around is a bad thing.

It also helps to have instantly recognizable luggage. Try a colored tag on the handle; wrapped a strap around the bag prior to checking it in; choose something relatively small with wheels (easier to transport around - carrying a heavy bag slows you down and, hence, makes you vulnerable to attack.

Of course, all this can be avoided if you don't check luggage and travel with everything you need in your carry-on luggage. The you simply get off the plane, head in totally the opposite way to everyone else and hang around somewhere for half-an-hour until Dr. Nemesis, whose agents will be watching baggage claim and the airport exits, believes you've given him the slip.

Maybe you're not an international spy, and maybe you don't want to take protection against Dr. Nemesis. But pretending to be one sure makes traveling interesting.

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