“Got Any Spare Change, Buddy? No? Then Die Scumbag!”

So Panhandling annoys you? Some guy thrusts his hand our, or a MacDonald's styrofoam cup, asking for a dime. Maybe the professional one walks along with you for a few steps, trying to make eye-contact, thus inproving his chances of your giving. But with a little practice, one learns to either say “no” and move on.

However, if you were to visit the village of Romtrai on Thailand, you would be well-advised to keep some spare change in your pocket. A 35-year-old man walked into a council meeting and asked for 50 cents to buy some whisky. After being turned down, he left, only to return armed with an AK-47. This time he opened up on everyone in the room, killing four people.

The man then escaped and is still on the loose. It seems that this is a new panhandling technique that hasn't been used in the US. Let's hope that the killer isn't thinking of joining some International Panhandlers Exchange Scheme, similar to the one reported in the Carny several weeks ago.

Petulant PETA Veggies Take On MacDonald's

Following their spectacular failure to stop Beverly Hills, CA, shopowners from selling furs, PETA have been looking for a new sacred cow to attack. And MacDonald's is the latest.

PETA have been having talks with MacDonald's about ways in which they can help reduce cruelty to animals. Steve Gross, a consultant for PETA, said that there had been no substantial steps taken by Big Mac and so action is now inevitable.

Over to Bruce Friedrich, PETA's vegetarian campaign organizer, who will launch new billboard ads in Norfolk, VA. In a surprisingly humorous vein, one poster shows a cow's head and has the slogan “Do you want fries with that? MacDonald's. Cruelty to go.” A second shows Ronald MacDonald holding a bloody knife with the slogan “Son of Ron; America's number 1 Serial Killer.” The posters will be followed by bumper stickers and T-shirts.

PETA intends to place ads in USA Today and the Chicago Tribune. The campaign is due to be launched on October 1st.

The Carny is a great believer in Freedom of Speech and will be launching a campaign, also in October, aimed at persuading PETA to get a life and keep its veggie dogmatism to itself. Posters will include shots of vegetable soup bubbling in a pot with the slogan “Hey, carrots have feelings too!” Another will show PETA members with their heads sticking out from the side of a bun with the slogan “Veggie-burger? Yes please!”

T-shirts will be available with “Make Soup - Boil A Vegan!” and we will be running a competition encouraging readers to send in the best alternative acronyms for PETA, such as “People Entirely Too Anal” or “'Please Eat Tofu Alone.”

Do you think PETA might be offended? Oh, we do hope so. Free Speech cuts both ways, boys and girls! Of course, if PETA was to cancel its campaign against MacDonald's, we may reconsider!

Yet More Deadly Tuna!

Miami Airport makes the headlimes again. Following the discovery of a smuggling ring involving American Airlines employees, a new smuggling scam has been uncovered. But this time, there's tuna fish involved!

In the past 2 months, there have been two reported cases of attacks involving tuna fish as deadly weapons. Now comes a new use for the hapless fish. The US Customs Service found 22 boxes of tuna, grouper and eels that also contained almost 3000 pounds of cocaine. The drugs had been wrapped in small packets and inserted into the fish.

The officers monitored the shipment for 14 hours, but no-one showed to collect the fish. By this time, the fish were high in more ways than one! The fact that the boxes were not collected suggests that the smugglers had been tipped off.

Special Agent John Clark, the ‘Fox Muldar’ of the Fish Smuggling world, said that “we have reason to believe that people at the airport might have been involved.”

The shipment was aboard a cargo plane run by Arrow Air, coming from Guayaquil, Ecuador. A spokesperson for Arrow, Susan Gilbert, said she had no idea how the drugs had got on the plane. No kidding! What was she supposed to say; “Oh yeah, THAT cocaine shipment!”

Maybe the time has now come for the government to act and take positive steps to outlaw the tuna. The Carny will put its full support behind any Presidential candidate who will fight for tuna to be taken off the country's menu. Especially tuna with cocaine. Are you listening, George W. Bush?

Sir

In response to yesterday's article on 'Organ-Donor Barbie';

Woo Hoo! Stop by and check out my new Furby Chest Hair! ...Or not.

Anonymous, OH.

Er, the 'or not' sound the better option. There are some very sick people out there and the Carny is pleased to have them as readers!