Only two weeks ago, the Carneadesian reported the case of a San Diego man who assaulted his girlfriend with a 20lb tuna fish.
In a near-copycat case, a 37-year-old man, Anthony Tucker, has been charged with assaulting a 43-year-old fisherman with another 20-pound tuna! The victim is currently in hospital being treated for broken vertebrae and concussion.
According to Sgt. Don Claypool of the San Diego Harbor Police, the incident took place as Tucker was counting and sorting fish. The victim turns out to be a customer. Apparently in this situation, not only was the customer not right, but he deserved a severe slapping with a dangerous fish!
The parallels in the two cases are startling. Both assailants were men; both victims were significantly injured; both men were charged with assault with a deadly weapon; and the deadly weapon was a 20-pound tuna.
The Fish Lobby will now be preparing to deal with the predictable backlash from anti-fishers who will be calling for tighter controls on tuna. Possible solutions include fitting all fish with a safety catch that would not allow them to be swung, or a one-week waiting-period before a tuna can be purchased, giving police the chance to do a background check.
Some Fish Restaurant owners are already protesting. Sushi Bars in particular have reservations about the one-week waiting period. “You can't take chances with tuna,” said an Anti-Fish Lobby spokesperson. “In the wrong hands, a 20-pound fish is a lethal weapon and it is only a matter of time before someone is killed. Did we learn nothing from the Littleton massacre?”
Meanwhile, San Diego Harbor Police are increasing the number of random stops to check for people carrying concealed fish. So far, only one man has been cautioned when he was found to have a lunchbox containing sardine sandwiches. “You can't be too careful,” said a police spokesperson, “first it's a 20-pound tuna, next it's a 100-pound marlin, spike-first!”
In most Western cultures, celebrating some triumphant success would take the form of singing, dancing, some drinking, perhaps fireworks and public speeches. However, China, a noted world leader in Human Rights, celebrated 'World Anti-Narcotics Day' by executing 58 drug traffickers and manufacturers.
To ensure that no-one felt that they were missing out, these executions were staggered across the country, giving everyone a chance to see one of them.
The largest number, 28 in total, were executed in the city of Guangzhou.Coming in second, with a death count of 13, was the northern city of Lanzou. Third was a 12 person beanfeast in the province of Shaanxi. The rest of the criminals were executed in other parts of the country, presumably to smaller crowds.
Strangely enough, no crowds of protesters gathered at any government buildings. Oh, sorry, we forgot; the Chinese government only allows protests against foreign powers, not itself!
In the latest edition of the Japanese style magazine, Cawaii, the latest hair color amongst the 15-25 crowd is gray. Fashionable and trendy surf types are choosing to go &$147;ash” as opposed to the previous favorite, brown.
To be truly fashionable, guys should complete the look with a floral Hawaiian shirt and have a dark tan, either acquired naturally or, more likely, at a tanning booth, demands for which have increased.
Gals may opt for floral dresses, but the look isn't complete unless wearing silver eye shadow and platform shoes. Now there's a thought for the new Corporate outfit!
So, if you are feeling a little down because your hair is getting gray at the edges, or even all over, remember that as far as the Japanese In-Crowd are concerned, you are totally faberooney and hip. Cancel that Rogaine prescription and spend the money on a trip to Tokyo. Who knows, you might get lucky!
Sir
Is Mercy-Killing ever justified?
Mr. Jack K., Somewhere
This is, of course, a moral hot potato, but we are prepared to take the bull by the horns and run our answer up the flagpole to see if anyone salutes.
It is only justified in extreme situations. For example, last week, the Editor was at Starbucks and asked for a double-shot latte to go. The server actually only provided a single-shot latte and such an error would make them eligible for instant death! Similarly, any telesales person who calls my house after 8.00 p.m. to offer me yet another lousy credit card with “a special introductory interest rate of 3.9% that goes to 27.9% after the first three months” should be ritually disembowelled whilst still on the phone.
Oh, and while we're talking about this, add to the list anyone who thinks polyester is cool, anyone who drives an Oldsmobile at 20 miles per hour on the Freeway, or any guy who thinks that saying “what's the matter, can't you take a joke?” excuses him from being an obnoxious, annoying jerk who, in his sad little mind, believes himself to be 'funny.'
There are four stunning guitarists in the world who all have something in common. They are Steve Howe, sometime Yes member, Steve Hackett, ex-Genesis<, Steve Hillage, ex-Gong, and Steve Vai, big pal of David Lee Roth. Get the link?
On his 1998 album, Flex-Able Leftovers, Steve Vai takes the tracks from an EP originally released in 1984 and adds the tracks that didn't make it. That's not because they were crap, but an EP only has so much space. Hey, that was before CDs!
The opening track titled #?@! Yourself is almost 9 minutes long and the major reason why the album has a“Parental Advisory” slapped on the front. The track is profane, but funny simply because the profanity is so extreme that is becomes laughable. Still, some folks may be offended - you have been warned!
The second track, So Happy, is a mix of music, speech and song that is also fun. Steve Vai, whose guitar skills are impeccable and almost superhuman, has always been one to blur the line between music and art, being prepared to experiment with sound and word. Track 8, Little Pieces of Seaweed is one such example.
It's not an easy album and you won't hear it on radio or in my office. But if you ever want to listen to music that's on-the-edge and aren't offended by strong language, then this is certainly worth a try. Sony Music, 1998.